Monday, 22 September 2008

A day of....blah!

Today, today has been a good day…but bad in many ways too.

I look at myself and think…if only.

I’m confused as to who I am and what I’m meant to be doing with life…

I love K, but my feelings for him are ever changing, I miss the butterflies and the excitement of seeing the one person you think about all the time…the checking the phone every 20mins to see if they’ve text and waiting till they ask you out.
I know relationships change, but why so much?
Why do I now feel like this old woman who sits in every night of the week, doing homework and wasting my life with the brain-dead box!
But then there are some nights and I love getting into bed and snuggling, or watching a film with the girls and even feel really pleased they ask for my help with homework…although not sure why me! Ha ha ha!

I don’t feel I have any real ‘friends’ I mean I have friends, and a lot of them, but where are they when you need them?
Maybe it’s just me, maybe I actually am a horrible person, and I mean that’s what people say, so maybe that’s true?
A friend recently asked me why I bothered talking about K to her…and made it very clear she wasn’t interested…and it hurt, but good on her for actually saying it!
Then other friends are there when they need/want something from me. Which is the main reason I’ve sort of pulled away from them all?

Then there is G, and I have no idea where I stand with all that, or what I’m expecting…I was sooo chuffed to have seen him today, but worry that I come over as a complete stalker coz I’m forever at the zoo, obviously looks weird now that I know G works there! But I have always abused the Gold Card…I mean that’s why we have one!! Its not like I’m driving MILES to get to the zoo!
The confusion! (*rolls eyes*)

Found out my mother is still in contact with ‘the other man’ and I’m feeling upset she didn’t talk to me about this before. But maybe ‘understand’ more now than I ever did…

I love my job, but where is it going? This time next year, no doubt I will join all the unemployed nannies, well actually I’ll go back to working at the hospital, and if they don’t want me I certainly would hang around waiting for a job to find me!
I want to do something, something so out of character that it will shock everyone! Just what? I’m too comfortable in my little bubble…not that it’s much of a bubble! Nannying abroad? Travel round the world? Pack up and move up North? Change in job?
So much for the change in life style! Hoping the change of hormones next week will help a little with the mood, or maybe a good nights sleep tomorrow night!

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